My own Heart Retrieval

Healing my first world pain and trauma

I’m one of 7 children (6 girls one boy and I’m 3rd from the last child).  By grade 3 it became obvious that I was dyslectic, and I was kept down in grades for at least 2 years.  This created significant trauma in my life.  I was singled out and made to feel hopeless, helpless. And each year I would lose friendships, as friends I made in class would move on. As a result, I checked out of life – by this I mean I split off from myself, numb to my emotions and what was happening to me.  For years I stayed in this state, unable to respond appropriately to events in my life: staring blanking and not speaking to yelling teachers, unaware they were yelling at me; not able to make connections with people; and hiding any and all of my talents.  I felt there was something really wrong with me and began to believe that I had to be like everyone else to be accepted.  This became my goal: to be like everyone else. But no matter how hard I tried  to fit in, the further I moved away from my talents and into numbness and worthlessness. I was not living my life but living in fear.

Later, when my husband and I moved away from my family in Melbourne (to Barwon Heads) I hit rock bottom. I felt I was in outer space with no supports and trying to bring up three small children.  All I seemed to be doing was screaming at them, I was out of control.  I knew I didn’t want this parenting for my children

My screaming was the shock that woke me from my unconscious numbed state and started me on my Heart’s Retrieval. 

I knew I wasn’t coping and with three small children it was essential that I wake up and deal with myself. So, I began with:

• Silver Mind Powers (accessing your sub-conscience mind and using theta brain waves to calm myself) this brought up my destructive self that did not want to change so I couldn’t make this process work.  So, then I tried...

• Wayne Dyer’s books and methods and learnt how to witness my thoughts and came to realise just how numbed out to myself I was. This lead to...

• Verdant Meditation, more witnessing of my fear and numbness but no shift or progression. Then I did...

• Power of Now with Eckhart Tolle which brought me awareness of my pain body but with no shift or progression.  I then found...

• Reconnection Healing which taught me to sense energy and rebuild connection, and then...

• Human Design which still helps me understand my inherit nature, before finding...

• Your Beautiful Life: a guided fourteen-week course which showed me my patterning and allowed me, for the first time to feel my emotions and gain the awareness that they were in my physical body!  As I learned these teachings and became a practitioner I found the ultimate companion to YBL in breathwork...

• Breathwork and the teachings of Nicholas de Castella’s Emotional Intelligence. 

Through breathwork I was able to ground my emotions in my physical body and hence completely feel, integrate and release my wounds, shocks and traumas. Finally some healing!

The real transformation happened when I experienced the sensations of emotion in my body.  I experienced the truth that I am a unique person and could never be a copy of someone else.  Through this experience I was able to accept and know that there are things I can do and there are things I can’t, and that’s OK. 

I know the things I can do are valuable, and I am enough just as I am. 

I’ve come to understand and recognise that everyone is different, unique in their own way and perfect.  This is my real healing.  

It happened like the unfolding of a tight spring, as the energy block which kept me in the loop of unworthiness was released, like magic I felt it unwinding the pattern. I’m still on this path, it never stops as there is always more to unwind.

Before, all thinking was foggy and now I can see and thinking clearly as I come into the grace of my triggers and see my worthiness. 

This was my healing, and this is what I can now offer you.